Advice Request from Client:

I’ve been dating someone for over a year now, and I love them — truly — but I’m constantly feeling like I have to prove that I’m “good enough” to keep their interest. They’re not mean or overtly critical, but they’re also not very emotionally reassuring. I’m always reading between the lines, trying to guess what they’re thinking, what they need, and how I can keep them happy. I go out of my way to be supportive, attractive, fun — basically perfect — but it never feels like enough. I don’t feel secure. If I bring it up, they say I’m “overthinking” or “being dramatic,” and then I feel ashamed for even having needs. Part of me wonders if this is just my anxiety, or if I’m in a relationship where emotional safety just isn’t available. How do I know the difference? And how can I stop feeling like I’m constantly auditioning to be loved?

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Advice from our Doctor of Psychology:

What you’re experiencing is a deeply painful — and unfortunately common — dynamic that arises when emotional needs go unmet in subtle but significant ways. It’s the invisible weight of always striving, performing, and “earning” love rather than being able to relax into the comfort of secure connection. And while your partner may not be overtly dismissive, the absence of emotional affirmation can be just as erosive as direct criticism over time.

Let’s start with a foundational truth: love should not feel like a test you’re constantly on the verge of failing. In healthy relationships, love and connection are not rewards you earn for saying the right thing, acting the right way, or hiding your vulnerabilities. They are offered freely — with warmth, with consistency, and with care. If your partner regularly downplays your needs or labels your emotional disclosures as “dramatic,” this isn’t just emotional unavailability. It’s emotional invalidation, and over time, it can lead to what we call attachment anxiety or relationship hypervigilance.

In clinical work, I often see individuals in your position questioning their own sanity rather than questioning the relational dynamics that are causing their distress. That’s a hallmark of emotionally imbalanced partnerships — one person becomes the over-functioner, endlessly trying to meet both sets of needs, while the other under-functions, rarely stepping up to co-create emotional safety.

It’s important to differentiate between internal anxiety and relational neglect. Anxiety often distorts how much fear you feel — but it doesn’t invent unmet needs out of thin air. You’re not imagining that you want more reassurance, empathy, and emotional engagement. These are core human needs in romantic relationships, not signs of neediness or dysfunction. And your shame at expressing them? That’s not because the needs are too big — it’s because they’ve been repeatedly met with dismissal.

So how do you move forward?

First, you need to come back home to yourself. That begins with validating your experience. You are not “too much.” You are not broken. Wanting to feel seen, safe, and emotionally secure in your relationship is not a flaw. In fact, it’s a sign of emotional health and maturity.

Second, consider having a structured, honest conversation with your partner. Not one based in blame, but one based in truth. Share how the dynamic has made you feel — not just in the moment, but over time. Use “I” statements that center your emotional experience: “When I don’t receive emotional responses or reassurance, I start to feel unsafe in the relationship, and I begin to question my value.” Pay attention not just to their words, but to their emotional posture. Do they lean in? Do they take you seriously? Do they express a willingness to grow with you?

If their response is once again defensive or dismissive, then you’re not facing a communication issue. You’re facing an emotional compatibility issue — one where your fundamental needs may not align.

Finally, I urge you to explore this more deeply with a therapist, especially if this pattern of “auditioning” for love has appeared in past relationships, too. Often, this behavior stems from early relational wounds — environments where love was conditional, unpredictable, or inconsistently expressed. Healing that doesn’t mean blaming your past — it means reclaiming your right to be loved without performance.

You deserve to be loved in a way that feels safe, reciprocal, and calm. Not one that makes you doubt yourself every time you exhale.

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